


The Meaning of Kaoru

by psychomachia



Category: Never Let Go (Manga)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8884939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychomachia/pseuds/psychomachia
Summary: He thinks he should just change his name to Hiroshi or Akira. Anything but Kaoru.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inevitablewebreathe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inevitablewebreathe/gifts).



The man isn't particularly memorable at first glance. He's a quiet man in a dark suit, and Kaoru gets the impression that he keeps himself as inconspicuous as possible, a shadow to anyone he follows. But Kaoru's also too busy worrying about making a fool out of himself on his first day in the restaurant, with his first real job waiting tables, since he's just a dumb kid after all who was one step away from becoming a NEET. 

"This is Kanou-san. He comes here often," the boss says, and Kaoru bows. When he raises his head, Kanou gives him a slight smile.

"I understand your name is Kaoru," he says in a calm voice. "That sounds familiar." 

"It's a common name," he says, and Kanou-san laughs. 

He hopes Kanou-san laughs more. It's a nice one. 

* * *

Kanou-san does laugh more, though it's not very often. He learns quickly that Kanou-san isn't a very talkative man, but he is considered to be one of the most reliable men around. He works for someone Satsuma-san knows, and Kaoru's not the brightest bulb, but he know it's a Yakuza group of some kind. Satsuma-san won't tell him which one, though Kaoru could look it up if he wanted it to. But he doesn't.

Kaoru just knows that there's never trouble in the restaurant. No one ever tries to rob them, and if any punks loiter outside, they're gone by the next day. Kanou-san does come in quite a bit, and tells him once that the other Kaoru he knows is very different from him.

"He's a bit more reckless. Louder, too."

It's just as well he never met him. He's too busy spilling drinks and getting orders wrong to deal with someone who'd yell at him on top of it. He tells Kanou-san one day that he thinks he's probably going to quit soon.

Kanou-san shakes his head when he tells him that. "Give yourself more credit," he says. "You're a fast learner. No one's perfect immediately."

Kaoru likes it when Kanou-san comes in. It's not as often as he likes, but it's often enough that he starts to learn a few things about him.

For example, Kanou-san doesn't like radishes at all. The first time Kaoru cooked for him, the restaurant was closed and Kanou-san was waiting outside. He apologized and said he'd just grab a combini bento.

Kaoru stared at him in horror. Kanou-san's voice trailed off. "I'm used to them," he murmured.

"Kanou-san, please tell me you eat real food when you're not here," Kaoru said, and Kanou-san shook his head.

"Only when I'm with the boss or we have a full organization meeting."

And so Kaoru found himself at almost midnight making miso soup and rice for Kanou-san, who sipped tea and watched him with a curious expression. He said nothing and it was a peaceful silence, with only the sound of rain falling outside.

Kaoru finished and unwrapped the takuan on the table. Kanou-san bowed his head, thanked him, and proceeded to eat everything but the radishes.

"I apologize if they weren't good," Kaoru said, fidgeting until he stilled under Kaoru-san's amused glance.

"It's not that, Kaoru-kun," he said. "I'm not particularly fond of radishes in general."

He paused a moment, the smile on his face becoming larger. "But you're a good cook. You would make someone an excellent wife."

Kaoru learned another thing about Kanou-san that night. He has a terrible sense of humor. 

* * *

There are more things Kaoru learns about Kanou-san. How he hated radishes but loved plums, or how he was gentle to animals and small children, but one day came into the restaurant with specks of blood on his tie and a terrifyingly calm expression on his face and asked if Kaoru could get him sake right away. He kept that same placid look as he paid his bill and got into a dark car that pulled up to the curb outside.

He learned that he doesn't really want Kanou to tell him exactly what he does.

He learns that he likes Kanou-san one morning when he wakes up and wonders if today he'll get to see him and feels a crushing sense of disappointment upon remembering he won't since Kanou-san mentioned he had to go to Hokkaido last night. A day spent with Kanou-san is always a good day no matter what happens because Kanou-san jokes with him, looks out for him and makes sure that he doesn't get hurt.

Kaoru wonders if everyone who works with Kanou-san feels that way and he feels a pain in his chest about it.

This is bad, he thinks. He can't have a crush on Kanou-san, who would probably respond to it by gently smiling and saying something like, "I'm sorry Kaoru-kun, but I just don't feel that way about you."

That would hurt so much to hear.

So Kaoru resolves to keep his mouth shut about it. He'll work harder and make Kanou-san proud of him, and if he wants anything more than that, he won't add that burden to Kanou-san's shoulders. 

He learns one more thing a week later when Kanou-san has come back from Hokkaido and things have gone wrong again. Kaoru is hiding in the bushes behind one of the local shrines because Satsuma-san is in the hospital with a heart attack and he's not certain when he'll wake up and even if Satsuma-san can be gruff about when Kaoru makes a mistake, he always gives him another chance.

He's trying not to cry when he hears footsteps behind him and Kanou's voice quietly saying, "Kaoru-kun, you need to come out."

He stands up, knees creaking, because he'd never disobey Kanou-san and turns around to see his worried face. "I'm so sorry, Kanou-san," he says and then Kaoru leans forward to kiss him.

And he knows he has just messed up again because now, Kanou-san is pushing him back gently and looking at him and saying--

"Kaoru-kun? Are you sure about this?"

"I like you, Kanou-san," he says, "I like you so much and I'm sorry that I kissed you and it doesn't have to mean anything because you're an important friend to me and--"

Kanou-san kisses him back as calmly and deliberately as he does everything and only when Kaoru is clutching his shoulders and dizzy with disbelief does Kanou-san say, "It's okay, Kaoru. If this is what you want, then I want it too."

* * *

In private, he calls him just Kanou now, because he insists, and each time he says Kanou, Kanou, Kanou, his lover smiles and says Kaoru right back to him. And the way he says his name is like how no one else has ever said it. Like it's something to be cherished and protected.

And it's this that Kaoru holds onto every time Kanou leaves him for days or weeks because he knows Kanou is important to the group and that the group is important to Kanou. Kaoru is nothing in the larger scheme, and he's beginning to realize just how vital Kanou is. So he waits for the times when he can see Kanou again and everything can be fine. And if every day, he starts feeling less and less valuable, he can just close his eyes and hear Kanou saying his name again.

He's lying in bed next to Kanou one night, a little sore, a little drowsy, but very happy, when Kanou's phone rings on the nightstand. Kanou's on the verge of sleep himself, but he answers the phone on the second ring.

Kanou's murmuring yes, yes, yes and then he's getting up, putting on his pants, his shirt, his tie, becoming the Kanou that's not just Kaoru, but everyone else's. He leans over and kisses Kaoru. "I have to go," he says.

Kaoru, treacherous in his heart, whispers, "Stay."

"What?" Kanou says as he's shrugging into his jacket. "What did you say?"

"Nothing," Kaoru says and watches Kanou leave.

He can't say it now. It's not fair to Kanou to make him choose.

Especially when he fears he knows what Kanou would pick.

It's something that keeps him awake for hours afterwards. He knows he's never going to rise to any importance in the restaurant. He's a decent cook, but he's not particularly talented enough to do well at anything without effort and his only motivation these days for doing things is to help Kanou out. But does Kanou even need him?

This question is the one that means Kanou sees the sunrise when it happens, his eyes red and troubled.

He spends a lot more sleepless nights over the next few months, some for pleasant reasons like Kanou coming back from Sapporo a night earlier than Kaoru expected. But most are Kaoru lying in bed, thinking about what he could to make himself more indispensable to Kanou. He's just a child, really, compared to Kanou, who's much more mature than him, who comforted him when he was crying that night and kissed him after Kaoru...

After Kaoru kissed him first. Like he does every time.

Kanou's never the one to kiss first.

That's good for another hour or two of insomnia.

"I want to break up, Kanou-san," he tells him four nights later. Kaoru's been prickly all evening and snapping at Kanou for small things, like not picking up more vinegar or making the wrong tea and Kanou looks like he can tell something's wrong, but not what it is.

"Kaoru?"

"I want to break up," he tells him louder, more firm, like he's trying to convince himself as much as Kanou.

Kanou says nothing for a long time. Kaoru wants him to ask why. He wants him to say no. He wants him to beg him to stay, to give them one more chance, to plead that he'll do anything to make it work.

But the only thing Kanou says is, "If that's what Kaoru wants," and he knows it's over now. Because the biggest thing Kaoru's learned about Kanou is that he doesn't know Kaoru at all. 

* * *

Kaoru quits the restaurant the next day. He can't bear being in a place where he sees Kanou every week and it's not fair to Kanou to make it uncomfortable for him to be there. He was there first, after all.

So Kaoru drifts for a while, circling ads for construction, other restaurants, even taking a flyer for a club looking for hosts, though he's completely unsuitable for that. It's only when he runs into Satsuma-san again one day in a combini and Satsuma-san mentions he knows someone who's looking for help in a tattoo shop that Kaoru thinks maybe, this might work.

(Satsuma-san must have known he and Kanou were together and Kaoru feels even more awkward upon realizing that.)

Hyakei's an easy-going man with tattoos down his arms and if it reminds Kaoru of Kanou's own ink, he pushes it from his mind. He doesn't ask Kanou too many questions and mentions that Satsuma recommended him as a hard worker who's eager to learn. "In all honesty, you don't really have the background for this, but Satsuma-san doesn't give out praise lightly."

"Thank you," Kaoru says, and bows his head. He feels a bit of hope, like his life is going to start making sense again.

"So your name is Kaoru, right?" Hyakei says. "That sounds familiar."

Maybe he is cursed after all. "It's a common name," he says, and tries to see Hyakei's expression without openly staring.

Hyakei still catches his eye though and shrugs a bit. "You have the same name as my first love - Kaoru." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "But your personalities are completely diffferent."

And Kaoru realizes, as Hyakei says, "But I still love him to this day," that he's never going to be able to get over Kanou if he takes this job.

This isn't going to work.

* * *

But it does. It works amazingly well. Hyakei's family is so sweet and funny that Kaoru almost forgets he's lonely. And Hyakei is patient and supportive, even when Kaoru brings the wrong ink or needle. He's a kind man, and if Kaoru wishes there could be something more since he apparently has a thing for people who are nice to him, he learns to keep his desires quiet.

But every time Hyakei says Kaoru, like he's praying to someone far away, the loneliness comes back and he has to tamp it down, far inside, so that he doesn't think about Kanou saying it the same way.

The work gets easier. He's not like Hyakei, who can create the most amazing designs, but he finds himself being able to support him. He prides himself in scheduling his appointments, managing his clients, ordering supplies when they get low. He takes care of the little stuff so Hyakei can concentrate on his art. He's an adult now and adults have responsibilities.

Kaoru would have been fine with his life going like this for decades. Hyakei's family teases him about getting married, but he doesn't feel that need. It's a nice enough life that he doesn't need to spoil it by adding unnecessary drama to it.

Which is of course why other Kaoru has to show up and wreck it all again.

Kanou's there too, because of course he and Hyakei both know the same Kaoru. Everywhere Kaoru turns, he's haunted by other Kaoru and at one point, when Hyakei's been moping about that one for the past hour, smoking and sighing wistfully, he thinks he should just change his name to Hiroshi or Akira. Anything but Kaoru.

And Kanou is nothing but pleasant and professional with him. If he's upset he doesn't show it, only asking that Kaoru talk to him if anything's wrong and then immediately apologize for presuming on their relationship. He's so understanding and kind Kaoru wants to scream at his past self in frustration. Why couldn't he have just been happy with that? Why did he have to be such a brat and push so much to get some sort of reaction out of Kanou?

If he could slap past Kaoru, he would. 

Things come to a head after that, since there's only so much he can take of other Kaoru's brattiness, given that he has both of the most important men in Kaoru's life waiting on him hand and foot. He snaps and runs until he realizes he's hiding outside again, this time with a messed-up ankle.

Maybe he's still not as mature as thought he was.

But there's Kanou again, asking him if he's okay and why does Kanou have to be so understanding and forgiving and saying things like, "I never could make you happy."

Wait, what?

Is that seriously what Kanou thinks caused them to break up?

He doesn't know Kaoru at all.

So Kaoru tells him about Hyakei and his horrifically obsessive crush on other Kaoru (who does not deserve his devotion) and his own stupid attempt to force Kanou to have some sort of response to getting dumped. Kanou's face pales and finally, he gets it.

"I'm such a yakuza. I probably can't give you an honest life," Kanou says, his hand resting on Kaoru's arm. "I can't always make you my number one."

This is what mature love is, Kaoru thinks. It's looking at the man who just said that he's never going to quit a life where he does things you don't want to know about that may imprison or kill him one day, followed by telling you that there are days where you won't be the top thing on his mind, and saying, "If you had said that it's okay for me to be with you as I am, I would have stayed with you."

It's Kanou-san who leans in this time to kiss him. They keep kissing and Kanou-san runs his arm down to Kaoru's ass, which that's getting a little ahead of himself, given they're in public.

"Nevertheless," he says, "do you want to be with me?"

Kaoru is now learning that Kanou is a jerk. "Saying that after all of this... isn't that kind of mean?"

Kanou smirks and kisses him again.

* * *

The top thing Kaoru is learning about being with Kanou again:

No one can say Kaoru like him.


End file.
